在追尋中遇見社會工作與佛法

Abstract

我們是否曾經捫心自問，自己究竟是帶著什麼樣的動機在進行助人工作的？是單純想幫助人的善念？想讓世界更美好？或是為解決原生家庭的不幸與失落？還是促進社會公平正義的理想價值？\r\n 從事社會運動與抗爭時，有時會需要一股嫉惡的情緒，那會促使我們有勇氣用較為激烈的方式改變社會。\r\n 我一直以為自己從事助人工作憑藉著是單純想幫助人，並讓世界更美好的信念；強烈使命感讓我將專業提升至信仰層次，並在社會工作裡實踐理想與佛法。循著文本的走向，開啟了我對未知內心世界的探索，從而發現自己的家庭與成長脈絡，推著我走向社會工作與修行之路。\r\n 十歲，母親選擇離開這世界，父親再婚、家庭驟變；頃刻間我從父母掌心跌落，隱沒於漫漫長夜。直到學習社會工作與遇見佛法，彷彿望見生命曙光；惟滿腔悲憤平息之餘卻也翻騰不已，從此世界一分為二：世人面前我是願意犧牲奉獻的「助人工作者」與善行義舉的「師姐菩薩」；面對自己的家庭，卻全然無助，徹底消極；不屑一顧，冷漠以對。\r\n 在彷彿永無止盡的黑暗裡，我嘗到了世間悲苦的滋味，親身體會身處於邊緣位置的卑微。我的心游移與擺盪在光明與黑暗、寬恕與報復、放手與控制間。\r\n 如果將我比喻成一列火車，目的地是助人到彼端，乘載沿途所見世間種種之不幸，列車長以自我救贖為己任，「罪惡感」是萬能通行之門票；於是毅然裝上「想讓世界更美好」的火車頭，我的燃料其實是憤怒的火炬，即消滅世間不公不義的那股恨意。\r\n 如今，我承認一直不敢向世人揭露的，是我社工性格與真誠信仰背後曾經存在，且至今仍然存在的人性陰暗面。因為這些陰影，讓我吃足了苦頭；也多虧了這些陰影，讓我奮不顧身橫衝直撞、並在疼痛裡意識到自己還活著；如今這些陰影，讓我看見力量與改變的契機。\r\n 這是以佛法修行者自詡的我，在助人工作之外做為復仇者花廿年生命學習放下並深切懺悔的故事。在一字一句寫下這些故事的過程裡，我看見自己促成故事成型、深化人生腳本，沉醉在過去所編織的幻夢裡成就了悲傷、道德犧牲的桎梏人生，我害怕放下這些便會一無所有，沒有了往事我到底還是誰？現在，我要學會放下我的故事，即便放下了，一切還是會很平安。

Have we ever examined our conscience what motives impelled us to do the giving of help? Simply think good thoughts to care for the needed? Make the world a better place? Deal with the misfortune or loss of the family of origin, or promote the ideal value of social equality and justice?\r\n It takes a hatred of evil to involve in social movements and demonstrations, which prompts us to change the society bravely and radically.\r\n I myself had thought my work of helping people underlies the belief that I simply help people and make a better world. Powerful missions elevate my profession to the religious stage which realizes ideas and Buddha Dharma. With the analysis of the text, this had opened up my exploration of unknown chambers of the inner world and furthermore dug out the fact that my family and growing experience dragged me toward the path to social work and gymnosophists practice.\r\n At the age of ten, my mother herself left the world by choice, which was subsequently followed by my father’s remarriage and the family’s change drastically. I was no longer the apple of parents’ eye in the blink of an eye, passing unnoticed through long nights. Not until my study of social work and my encounter with Buddha dharma did I seemingly catch a glimpse of daybreak in life, only to stir up my subsiding grief and indignation where the world was cut into half clearly. Facing the world, I was a willingly devoted the caring worker and a good deed bodhisattva of female fellow; Facing the family, I was thoroughly helpless, passive, despised and gave the cold shoulder.\r\n In the seemingly endless dark, I experienced the taste of bitterness in the world and enacted humbly on the edge of the world myself. My heart went drifting and swayed between lightness and darkness, forgiveness and revenge, along with letting go and taking control.\r\n If described as the train metaphorically, I was to carry and care people to the destination. I am like a conductor and self redemption is my duty. Sense of guilt is the ticket to everywhere. What we see on the journey is misfortunes in the world. Firmly installing the locomotive, I fill the tank of fuel with furious flames, that is, the hatred of injustice elimination.\r\n Admittedly, I dare not reveal that the dark side of humanity continuously exists and was hidden behind my social work personality and my sincerity in religion. Thanks for these penumbras, I not only endured hardships but also took a plunge recklessly, with the feelings of being alive in pain. Among these penumbras, I see the power and the turning point to change.\r\n Posing as a gymnosophist of Buddha Dharma, aside from the job to help others, I acted as a revenger. The story takes me 20 years of life to learn to let go and wholeheartedly repent. In the word by word writing process, I saw it is I that made the story created and deepened the scenes in life. Indulged in illusions woven in the past, I shackled my life with sorrow and ethics of sacrifice and was afraid letting go would be down-and-out. Who am I without things of the past? Now, I am learning to let go my past. Even though I let go, everything will be safe and sound.