從幻幕到真實： 一步步走向內在孩童的自我敘說歷程

Abstract

本論文以自我敘說的方式探索生命經驗，呈現我如何在與創傷的關係中，那種無法解決痛苦的痛苦中，一步步地幫助自己從幻幕到真實。在這樣的歷程中，學習如何在信任與不信任關係中苦苦掙扎，冒險敞開自己的心，努力學習與他人「分享」脆弱與羞愧，學習向外尋求支持與幫助。同時，對內，則很努力地修復與自己疏遠的關係，學習當個我想成為的好媽媽，傾聽我內在小孩的需求。\n\n我的歷程，並非直線性地一步步從幻幕走向真實，而是在虛幻與真實間、在遺棄與接觸內在孩童間不斷來來回回，緩慢螺旋向下的歷程。最終，成人的我，帶著害怕關係斷裂的恐懼、因照顧自己而產生的罪惡感，仍願意為了我的內在小孩，採取行動照顧她的需求，維護自己的界限，讓內在小孩在這過程中，經驗到自己的價值。進而承諾自己，不再遺棄我的內在小孩。希望我的經歷，能夠對與我有類似經歷的人有幫助、能夠讓諮商師對這類型的個案有更深的理解。\n\n在我往內走向真實的歷程中，我同時身為實習諮商心理師，我不只接受諮商與治療，我也在諮商、治療別人，同時，我也在接受督導，督導象徵權威，我也在處理我與權威間的關係，我們彼此間的議題，都會互相碰撞影響。有時候，我的議題會影響我諮商個案，尤其當我身為新手治療師，對自己有很高的期望，當我看到自己還過不去的議題影響到諮商時，我也會對自己又氣又急可又很無奈，也曾因此懷疑過自己是否適合當個諮商師。可是慢慢地，我開始接納自己的狀態、接納自己也是個人，不是個完美的諮商師，當我對自己有愈多接納跟允許時，我也對個案有更多的涵容，希望我的經歷能對其他實務工作者能夠有所助益。

This thesis explored life experience of the author, presented how the author overcame the trauma and marched forward to the real from illusion by self-narrative process. In the process of recovering, I learned how to make balance when struggling in the relationship of believing and unbelieving, open my mind to others, share the vulnerable and shame and ask for help. At the same time, from the inside of my heart, the cold and detached relationship to the inner child was gradually rebuilt and a good-enough-mother who was able to listen to the needs of inner child was formed.\nThe process of the recovering was not straightly going from illusion to real but moving back and forth between the illusion and real, and the abandon and contact inner child, again, again, and again. Finally, the adult part of me overcame the fear of broken relationship and the guilty of taking care of myself to care for the needs of inner child and establish the boundary between me and others. The inner child experienced the self-value in this process. Moreover, a promise for not abandoning the inner child again was established firmly by the adult. \nAs the process of going to real, I was both a client and an intern counselor; besides, I was supervised. The supervisor symbolized the authority; therefore, I was also dealing with the authority issue. The issue between me and the authority also influence both of us. Sometimes, my issue also influenced my clients, especially when I was a freshman who had high expectation to herself. When the issue that was not yet been overcome effected the counseling, I was mad and disappointed at myself. Step by step, in the processing of recovery, I started to accept that situation and accept that I was also a human and an imperfect counselor. With the increasing acceptance, I contained my clients more. I hope my experience may be able help the client who had the same experience and help the counselor to understand the client deeply.